


Going public

by oviparous



Series: Ojisan Idol [3]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Romance, Self-Acceptance, self-actualization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 17:17:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oviparous/pseuds/oviparous
Summary: The story of how Ninomiya Kazunari walked away from an abusive lover, started acting again, got bribed by Koyama Keiichiro to attend an audition that resulted in him debuting as an idol at the age of 36, and came out to the most important people in his life.Contains spoilers for Part 1.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Livejournal.

Nino thinks he hates him, for all his abuse and all his past love.

For the past 10 minutes, Kai has been harping on about the pop-up notification that’s flashed across Nino’s screen. His coworkers are inviting him to a party and Kai doesn’t want Nino to go.

Nino thinks he hates him, yet isn’t Kai being insanely jealous proof that he loves Nino?

Nino hasn’t been completely blind. Kai staged a few epic slow burns in the beginning of their relationship, but Nino wasn’t too concerned because for the most part they were happy. Kai was charming, made him laugh, told him he loved him. They’d had a great couple of years, moved in together, then everything went to hell.

“It’s your day off that day. It’s my turn to have you,” Kai persists. “Are you going to ditch me for them? You see them at work!”

Nino tries to shut him out by wearing his headphones and unpausing his game.

“You’re ignoring me again?” Kai continues, and Nino turns up the volume.

Kai rips the headphones off.

“You’re worthless, Kazu,” Kai says spitefully. “I’ve had enough of you.” He grabs a pair of scissors and tries to cut the HDMI cable that connects the PlayStation to the TV.

“Stop,” says Nino quietly. “I won’t go. Put that down. Please.”

Kai glares at him and slams the scissors down on their dining table.

“Text them now,” he demands. “Tell them you’re not going.”

Nino does, and Kai has Nino show him the sent message before storming into the kitchen, muttering about how he now needs a drink because Nino is impossible.

Nino thinks he hates him.

Nino knows he’s unhappy, knows this relationship is screwed up, knows it’s only going to get worse. But he can’t talk to anyone about it. Technically he _can_ — he’s got family he’s close to, people he’s fond of, but none of them know he’s gay, and he isn’t ready to tell them. The only person who knows, the only person he’s bared every bit of his soul to, has become a stranger calling him _worthless_.

He’s tired of enduring life. He misses enjoying it. But Nino can’t imagine a life without Kai. He blames it all on love, with its torturous blindness and impairing qualities.

***

He’s never broken up with anyone before, and when he does, Nino doesn’t feel as free as he hoped he would. It’s been three months since he left Kai and yet he’s still besieged by self-doubt, a byproduct of years of verbal abuse and emotional torment. He feels like he’s wasted a huge part of his life and he can’t get it back, and worse, he can’t be who he was before he met Kai.

His games offer him some escape, but when he gets back into the real world it’s like he hears all the ugly things he’s been told for the past four years, veiled in people’s words, in his own thoughts. He contemplates ending it all, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t want to kill himself. He just wants to disappear.

He’s never told his family about Kai. His parents moved an hour and a half away to the Saitama countryside the year his dad retired, while his sister married a guy from Fukuoka so she’s even further away. He’s made them think he’s had a roommate who’s also his best friend, which wasn’t a lie at all, because once upon a time, he’d thought of Kai as both.

Today he finally sends a text to the family group chat saying he and his roommate had an irreparable falling out and he’s moved out of their apartment, to another spot in Tokyo that’s nearer to his workplace. It’s taken him three months to finally have the guts to send this text. He desperately hopes making this confession, however half-assed, would make him more accountable to his humanity.

His mother texts back, tells him she’s sorry about his friend, and would he like to visit them in Chichibu on his day off? The fall colours are pretty and she’ll cook his favourite food.

Nino says he’ll be there. There’s nobody to stop him from going. Not anymore.

***

Nino hasn’t been to his parents’ since the New Year. His mother leads him to the living room and proudly shows off her wall collage. It’s been done very tastefully; all the frames are white, the pictures a medley of memories Nino thought he’d lost.

His eyes fall on a picture of himself at eight, rolling his eyes and flashing a peace sign as he’s hugged from the side by Ikeuchi-sensei, the director of the first drama he acted in. He remembers it quite clearly even though it was a small role with no lines. He’d played an elementary school kid who got bullied. All he had to do was to be pushed, fall backwards, and cry. Ikeuchi-sensei had gushed over his performance when the scene ended. Despite his tender age Nino grasped that this whiskered man hardly knew him and yet he recognised his talent; his smile was genuine, his praise precious, and Nino had been honestly valued.

Nino closes his eyes and lets himself relive it.

***

It’s been a month since Nino’s visit to his parents’ house and he musters up the courage to join an acting circle for young professionals. They meet every Friday night, working towards the goal of staging an hour-long play. Nino has to rearrange his shifts and skip a couple of meetings, but he manages to cinch the role of a banker and it's an ensemble cast so everyone’s important; it’s the best 12 weeks Nino’s had in a long time and he cries a little bit, secretly, during the curtain call.

***

There’s a poster Nino is tasked to put up in the DVD store he works at, some advertisement for a famous talent agency looking for — quite laughably, Nino thinks at first — males under the age of 40, to debut in an idol unit. He imagines a group of men with dad bods and thinning hair prancing around on stage. It’s kind of radical and Full Monty-ish. Nino approves.

Later that evening when he attends the acting circle, 34-year-old Koyama Keiichiro (arguably his favourite person amongst the members) is going to every guy in the room, waving the leaflet version of the very poster Nino had put up in the store and asking if they were interested to sign up together. Most say no, though some politely say they’ll consider. Koyama finally reaches Nino.

“No,” Nino flat out refuses even before Koyama has opened his mouth.

“I’ll pay for your transport.” Koyama is swift to bribe.

They’ve known each other over a year and already Koyama knows how weak Nino is to a good deal.

Nino just stares at Koyama, trying to appear as unrelenting as he can.

“I’ll treat you,” Koyama ups his offer.

“If it’s at your parents’ ramen shop, then no.”

“Damn, you’re sharp.”

“And you’re cheap.”

“You’re cheaper.”

Nino grins. “Okay, how about… transport, plus Star Ocean 5. My Amazon wish-list is public.”

Koyama groans. “You’re such a teenager.”

Nino walks away, but Koyama charges in front of him to stop him, a resigned look on his face.

“Send me the link,” Koyama says with a sigh, and Nino beams and shakes his hand.

***

Nino feels bad when he's selected for the second round of auditions but Koyama isn’t.

Koyama is as surprised as Nino, but he gets upset when Nino says he’s not going.

“I signed up for _you_!” Nino says incredulously. “I didn’t even want to participate in the first place!”

“I know!” moans Koyama. “But I already got you Star Ocean 5!”

“What has that got to do with anything!”

“I don’t know, I just think you’re doing me a disservice if you don’t go. Like I’m shelling out several thousand yen for your game, just for you to give up halfway.”

“…So you want the most bang for your buck, is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes.” Koyama looks at Nino seriously. “Joshima & Associates artistes aren’t selling as well as they used to, but the agency’s got a good reputation in the industry. It’s a great opportunity. Just try and see how far you can go, will you?”

“Fine.” Nino sulks. “If I become an idol, it’s on you.”

***

The night before the second audition, Nino receives a drunk phone call from Kai. There’s a lot of name-calling and cursing and I-miss-yous and Nino disconnects in a hurry, his hands trembling.

He's blocked Kai’s number but never changed his. They haven’t spoken in close to two years. Nino doesn’t want to wonder about what Kai has been going through. He doesn’t need Kai anymore, doesn’t want Kai in his life.

He jumps when the phone rings again, but his pulse regulates when he realises it’s not a phone call, it’s just Koyama texting him.

 _All the best for tomorrow, Nino! Remember — you have something that they want. Don’t let that go. Enjoy the audition!_ , the message reads.

Nino is struck by a cacophony of emotions. Hearing Kai’s voice has called up a host of memories Nino has tried so hard to forget, but Koyama’s message — Koyama is a fucking saint, seriously — his kindness and encouragement could not be more timely. There is an overwhelming realisation that Nino needs this, needs to be an idol, he can’t be who he is anymore.

He thought he’d taken a big step when he decided to walk away from that relationship, thought he’d taken an even bigger step in joining the acting club as he realised he needed to change, but he’s been lulled into thinking that’s his terminus.

His sense of accomplishment has been severely misplaced.

While it’s true that he began his journey back into acting so he could leave behind the version of himself that Kai broke, he realises now mending that part of him was just a pit stop. He's still in motion. He’s bound for better. For greatness. He’s not going to settle for being who he was before he met Kai.

Koyama’s words keep replaying in his mind — _he has something that they want_. He actually has something to give now. There is abundance, not just adequacy. He can afford to be generous because he is worth it, because he is valued, because he is talented, because he is free to be whoever he wants to be now. There is nothing holding him back.

Nino feels an inexplicable calm as he picks up the phone and dials his parents’ number.

His dad picks up, and he requests for the call to be put on speakerphone, and for his mother to be present.

“Kazu?” comes his mother’s voice.

“Sorry I can’t tell you in person,” Nino begins, “but I just wanted you guys to know I’m gay.”

***

Now that he’s a Joshima & Associates talent, Nino figures that the worst thing that could happen to him is Kai telling the press that he’s gay. It comforts him a great deal when he realises how little that affects him.

There was a time when Kai shackled him to his sexuality, making Nino feel like he was stuck with him. Kai had made him do things he didn’t want to do, claiming that they were normal in ‘their type of relationship’, said again and again he’d out Nino to the world if Nino didn’t stay with him forever.

Now Nino understands that he didn’t keep his sexuality under wraps because he was ashamed of it; he was just ashamed of how he let Kai use it to shape him.

But Nino also understands that society at large is still varied in terms of LGBTQ acceptance; he can’t just think of himself and assume that everything is okay as long as he’s okay with it. He imagines it could be a problem for the agency if they hear it from someone else first, and decides to give them a heads-up.

Nino knows he doesn’t _have_ to come out to anybody, doesn’t owe it to anybody. It’s his own business. But now that he’s chosen this path, his business doesn’t seem to be his business anymore. Idols aren’t exactly their own property. He isn’t in the thick of things yet — the group doesn’t even have a name — but that’s how the industry works.

Nino is getting used to the anxiety that arises before he comes out to anyone. It’s a huge deal, and yet it isn’t. It’s not what defines him, yet it’s such a big part of him. He’s pretty sure something is going to burst with the way his heart is pounding in his throat right now.

“Thank you, Ninomiya-kun,” says Joshima as Nino slides the signed contract back to him. “Welcome to Joshima & Associates! We’re planning a boot camp, but we’ve yet to finalise the details so check your email for updates, yes?”

“I understand,” Nino answers, his lips in a tight smile. “Shachou, before we go any further, I think you need to know something about me. Something personal.”

Joshima halts. “Oh dear. Do you have a secret wife?”

This is not the reply Nino was expecting and he can’t help but break into a laugh, waving his hand and shaking his head, his anxiety dissipating.

“No secret wife, Shachou.” Nino tries to compose himself, but he can feel his lips quirking. “Actually, quite the opposite. I’m gay.”

Joshima’s mouth rounds into an ‘O’.

“Yeah, I thought you should know.”

Joshima nods. “Thank you for telling me. I mean, I guess it makes sense. There has to be a reason why you’re not married even though you’re nearing 40.”

Nino tries his best not to look at Joshima pointedly. He knows for a fact Joshima is not married as well.

Seconds lapse before Joshima catches on, and he looks Nino in the eye, his realisation stark. He gives Nino a weak grin. Nino just grins back.

“Should I keep it a secret, Ninomiya-kun?” Joshima asks after a beat.

“Oh, no. You can tell whomever you want. It’s easier that way, I think.”

Joshima nods again. “For the executives, you're saying. I understand. What about the members of the group? I’m trying to put myself in your shoes — I can’t imagine having someone else telling my associates that I’m gay, I think I’d like them to hear it from me…”

Joshima blinks.

Nino, once again, is struggling not to laugh and silently chiding himself for appearing impossibly rude.

“It’s okay, I heard myself,” Joshima says resignedly. “Anyway, Ninomiya-kun — don’t worry, okay? This agency’s got your back. Even though you’re selling your act based on sex appeal, who says it’s limited to hetero-sex, right?”

Joshima tries to hide his chuckle, tickled by his made-up word. Nino can’t help but feel fond and knows he’s really lucky to have him as his boss.

  
***

They’re meeting officially for the first time, and Nino remembers Ohno from auditions because he noticed how well Ohno danced and proceeded to call him ‘Sexy Hips’ in his head. He’s surprised to find that Ohno is gentle and adorable and non-threatening, and a delight to be around.

The lanky one, Aiba, had been in his small group during the dance part of the second audition. Nino doesn’t know how he feels about Aiba yet — Aiba, the poor thing, is trying really hard not to be shy. There’s no other way to put it; he’s obviously uncomfortable with the way Matsumoto is trying to engage him in conversation, but is still trying his best to respond in the friendliest way possible.

Ah, Matsumoto. He was in their small group too, which was his conversation starter with Aiba earlier on. He’s the kind of person Nino would find bothersome under certain circumstances because he’s so on the ball, but Nino figures he’s just really invested in getting to know people.

Then there’s Sakurai. He’s kind of quiet, but very put-together and mature and doesn’t reveal much about himself. Nino doesn’t recall seeing him at auditions but fuck, he’s hot — in that clean-shaven, handsome, scholarly kind of way. Nino knows how inappropriate it is to ogle someone at close range like this but he’s being very discreet. At least, he believes he’s being discreet. Sakurai kind of makes his heart race, and Nino turns to Ohno, that calming force, hoping he’d help ground him.

They have a meeting, then they come back the next day for boot camp, and at night Nino realises he’s going to room in close quarters with these guys (oh God, _with Sakurai_ ) and he wonders if it’s a breach of trust or something if he doesn’t tell them at this point that he’s into guys, but they pretty much crash out the first night; Nino decides sleep is more important than coming out.

***

It just seems natural that he tells Ohno first, because he sleeps beside Ohno and also because Ohno is so easy to trust.

Again, Nino knows he doesn’t have to. But as he gets to know these guys more, he finds out he wants to. He’s terrified when he imagines all the possible ways they would respond, but so far they seem like decent, understanding people, and Nino thinks they can handle this.

They’re going to an Octagon concert, and it’s quite a drive to Saitama Super Arena so they all have plans to sleep during the ride. They’re in a 12-seater van and Nino isolates himself and Ohno near the back (all he has to do is to tug on Ohno’s wrist and Ohno just follows), and Nino waits until the rest are snoring before he pokes Ohno awake.

“Do you have anything against sharing rooms or showers with gay men?” Nino asks very quietly.

Ohno, bleary-eyed, goes:

“Huh?”

Nino repeats his question.

Ohno shakes his head.

Nino nods and puts his lips very close to Ohno’s ear.

“I’m gay and I hope it’s not weird for you that we’re so close all the time?”

Nino pulls back, and for a moment he’s worried about how Ohno is going to react.

Ohno is now looking quite awake, and he tilts his body forward to speak into Nino’s ear.

“I’m not gay but I really don’t mind if you wish to rate my naked ass.”

It’s so crude, coming from Ohno, that Nino just gapes as Ohno leans back with a strange, satisfied look on his face.

“Out of a hundred, Nino…” Ohno goes on, and Nino breaks into a fit of laughter, muffling a series of hard giggles in Ohno’s shoulder.

***

This crush Nino has on Sakurai — ‘Sho’, it’s Sho now — is getting a little out of hand.

After the concert they’d returned to the dorm and Nino and Sho just happened to be together in the lounge. It was the first time they’d been alone together and Nino tries not to imagine they had a moment, but it’s hard to think of it any other way. He found out Sho liked taking notes while watching the news, and had somehow cleverly spun a joke around it to make Sho laugh.

Then Aiba, bless his soul, spontaneously threw a party complete with beer and snacks, and he’d made this runaway comment about Ohno and Jun having a sexual encounter in the bath, providing Nino with the fodder to stage yet another joke for Sho. Sho laughed until he had difficulty breathing, and he grabbed Nino’s arm to make him stop teasing Aiba, and even though it was really just Sho wanting Nino to let him breathe again, Nino remembers the touch of Sho’s fingers on his skin and it is embarrassingly titillating.

Nino’s favourite thing now is, officially, making Sho laugh.

He feels completely ridiculous.

***

So their name is ‘Akatsuki’. Also, they're going on Music Station, which means all the shit is getting real.

Nino looks around the table. Jun is doing all the grilling. He gives Joshima the choice portions before putting more meat on Nino’s plate. Nino automatically says thank you, takes Sho’s plate and lets Jun reload it, does the same for Aiba and Ohno.

It suddenly dawns upon him that if this works out, he’s stuck with these guys forever.

Sure, they could disband, someone might fuck up. But it wouldn’t be him. He likes the idea of Akatsuki too much.

Nino had initially joined with his own betterment in mind, but he now sees that it can’t be the driving force behind his job. He’s got to do it for something bigger. He’s an entertainer now. He’s working to make people happy. He’s _privileged_ now. He gets to be this person who brings joy to others, and he doesn’t do it alone — he gets to do it with these remarkable people. He never wants to let this go.

***

It’s the sixth day of boot camp, and Nino has grown incredibly fond of Aiba. The best thing about Aiba is that he tries so hard to be who he wants to be and yet fails to hide his true self, which doesn’t sound like a compliment until you consider who Aiba really is.

Underneath Aiba’s ‘Makuhari Super Idol’ facade lies a beautiful personality that conceals nothing. They all can tell when Aiba is frustrated, but he tries so hard not to be; he tries to stay positive and cheerful so as not to affect anyone else, and that is something that Nino admires and wants to emulate.

Nino knows Aiba being the nice guy might not be the best way to shape his identity because many a showbiz survivor would say no one gets known for being nice, but Nino doesn’t want Aiba to stop being a unicorn. Aiba has this light in his soul, untainted and dazzling, something Nino will never have, and Nino prays that Aiba will never lose it, because it gives Nino hope for humanity, as corny as it sounds.

This is how Nino comes to the conclusion that Aiba will most definitely not shun him if he knows Nino is gay, and Nino decides to execute the coming out in a way that would keep the experience light-hearted for Aiba and memorable for all of them.

He gets Ohno to help keep Aiba in the lounge while he procures some _takoyaki_. Aiba cheers at the sight of food and is halfway through his _itadakimasu_ when Nino stops him, snatching the paper boat to his side of the dining table, saying:

“Oops, sorry. Only gay people get to eat this.”

Nino then skewers one of the _takoyaki_ and takes a meaningful bite.

Aiba frowns at Nino. “Why?”

Nino raises his eyebrows, doesn’t stop munching.

Aiba looks bewildered. He turns to Ohno. “So just because I’m not gay I don’t get to eat it?”

Ohno is a picture of patience as he says:

“I don’t get to eat it either, Aiba-chan.”

Aiba is about to retort when he realises Nino is still eating and then it finally clicks.

“Oh my God, Nino. You’re gay.”

Nino’s mouth is full so he doesn’t reply immediately. Aiba gets into the seat beside him and comes up very close.

“Why are you using food to tell me this?” he says, dropping his voice.

Nino laughs as he swallows and almost chokes. “I thought it’d be funny?”

“It is, but why are you making it funny? Is it supposed to be funny?” Aiba is looking so worried, Nino wants to hug him.

Instead, Nino spears another octopus ball and offers it to Aiba.

“You can have this one. This is the non-gay one.”

Ohno is cackling now, and Aiba breaks into a half-grin.

“Say ‘ah’,” Nino instructs, and Aiba, still looking befuddled, opens his mouth to be fed _takoyaki_.

“Who else have you told?” Aiba asks as he chews.

“The president. Ohno-kun. You.”

“It’s your business, Nino. You shouldn’t have to explain your sexual orientation to any of us but, oh God, am I even saying this right? I want to thank you, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. For telling me. I hope you’re not offended. Thank you?”

“You’re welcome, I think.” Nino laughs and feeds Aiba another piece of _takoyaki_.

“Are you saving Matsujun and Sho-kun for a special occasion?” asks Ohno.

“Maybe?” Nino decides to be cryptic about it. For some reason he’s more ready to tell Jun than Sho. He hopes it’s not because of the crush. What is he, seventeen?

Aiba clears his throat. “D’you want to tell them tonight?”

Nino is about to say no, but he hears the wisdom in Aiba’s suggestion — another thing he loves about Aiba, this accidental ingenuity — and ends up saying okay.

Together the three head to the bedroom and Nino is stupidly nervous as they slide open the door. Aiba exclaims that they shouldn’t have finished the _takoyaki_ otherwise Nino could reveal it to the other two the same way, but they all stop when they catch Sho and Jun deep in conversation. As it turns out the two are talking about work, and Nino is actually quite relieved to abandon the plan to talk about direction for the group.

At some point in their discussion Aiba says something about how lucky he is that they all care for and respect each other, and because the group is always on their minds they’re all trying, individually, to make Akatsuki work in an open, loving and familial way.

Nino knows it’s directed at him, and Ohno does too, because Ohno briefly reaches over to squeeze Nino’s hand, but Nino calls Aiba out anyway, says he’s being a sap and straying from the topic, all the while feeling grateful and in awe at having these wonderful people in his life.

***

Nino is lying on his stomach as he texts Koyama, telling him to wish them luck because they’re going to negotiate an internet campaign thing with the management to help further promote the group. Koyama pledges his unwavering support and promises to dedicate 1 GB of data to the cause, and Nino responds with a sticker of a kiss, complete with sound effect.

 _Don’t take this the wrong way, but that’s so gay_ , is Koyama’s reply, and Nino stifles a laugh because Koyama already knows, and Nino is once more reminded of how blessed he is to have friends with a great sense of humour.

There is a shuffle of blankets and Ohno crawls into his futon.

“Morning, you,” Nino says softly, patting Ohno’s head.

“Mmrfgh,” comes Ohno’s reply.

Ohno is Nino’s default mode, his factory setting; emotionally, he functions best with Ohno. Ohno’s friendship has come so easy and free that Nino doesn’t even need to try. He knows it’s because he reached out to Ohno first, that first day of boot camp when Ohno was yelled at by Matsuoka, but he never expected Ohno to give so much back.

Thinking about Ohno also makes Nino think about the whole _takoyaki_ -Aiba episode, and Nino realises this is probably the most unconditionally people are going to love him, and it’s awesome he even has _two_. Well, counting his parents he actually has four, but when he came out to them they weren’t immediately accepting and that hurt, even though he knew it was a totally reasonable reaction on their part and it didn’t mean they didn’t love him. He knows it matters more that they’re okay with it now, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’d once doubted their love. With Ohno and Aiba, there’d been none of that. He wonders if Jun and Sho would offer him the same.

Ohno snuggles closer, throws an arm across his waist. Nino hides his face in his pillow, grinning at the irony. Out of all his friends, Ohno is the one who touches him the most. Ohno likes women, he was pretty clear about that, but when it comes to touching Nino, there are apparently no boundaries. In a weird way, Ohno satisfies the part of Nino that craves everything non-sexual about affection. It’s probably how people love their children. Nino laughs as he thinks about how he’s practically calling Ohno his son right there in his head, and it brings rise to so many bad Jesus and Luke Skywalker jokes, Nino is shaking.

“Rise and shine, lovebirds,” Jun calls, tearing off their covers. “It’s the day of our big pitch!”

There’s something about this scene that seems off, and Nino realises it’s Jun being a morning person.

Nino rolls his man-child off him and impulsively throws himself at Jun, in the most literal sense. After their talk last night Nino has realised Jun’s vision for Akatsuki is something that goes beyond ambition and coveting success — it’s more to do with creating something that will bring joy to as many people as he can.

Nino loves that Jun is about joy.

Jun catches Nino, sitting on his haunches. He’s laughing and in a trick move, squishes Nino’s face with his fingers, marvelling at how soft Nino’s cheeks are. Nino falls to the ground helplessly in laughter and suddenly everyone is tickling him despite his shouts of ‘act your age, people’, but they are relentless.

***

There is an upright piano in the studio and Nino is tinkering on it as they wait for BABAND to arrive for the Old Maid showdown. Sho comes over.

“Isn’t that ‘Knights of Love’?” asks Sho.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Nino responds. “Can’t get it out of my head.”

The coupling song to ‘So you wanna uh-uh’ has the most mawkish lyrics known to mankind, but the melody is solidly crafted and Nino’s always had a soft spot for ballads.

“Play it again,” Sho requests, and Nino does, albeit clumsily because he’s doing it by ear for the first time.

Sho joins in halfway through the second verse, and Nino makes room for him on the bench so they can do some semblance of a four hands. Their musical conversation is exclusive — the others don’t play piano — and they exchange a glance just before they end the last chorus, soaring notes coming together and gracefully falling into a perfect cadence. It’s a really pretty song, and they slap each other a high five when they’re done.

“I’m uploading this on Twitter!” Aiba says excitedly from above them. He’s taken a video.

“Don’t post the sloppy parts,” Nino requests, but Aiba says they should, otherwise people would think it’s pre-recorded.

Sho is about to leave the bench but Jun makes him stay and pose for an Instagram picture. Ohno, who has an eye for this sort of thing, discreetly arranges them so that Nino’s chin is propped on Sho’s shoulder, and that’s when Nino realises his infatuation is totally under control because his heart isn’t thrashing around despite Sho being so close.

Jun snaps the picture and posts a call-to-action for their followers to check out Aiba’s video on Twitter, and Nino takes out his own phone to watch it. Sho remains where he is, pressing against Nino's back so he can watch too, and asks Nino to check out the reactions.

There are a lot of ship-related comments (‘NINO/SHO FOREVAAAA’) and they have a good laugh over them before Sho puts his hand over his heart and closes his eyes, saying:

“But you know what? I’m not going to be the one to break up Ohmiya. That ship is eternal.”

Ohno strides over and pretends to throw Sho off the chair.

“Damn straight,” Ohno says, and flings an arm across Nino’s shoulders.

Nino preens. He’s never been fought over in his life, and though this is make-believe it feels pretty good.

***

The agency has lent them laptops to edit on, and because it’s August and there’s no air-conditioning in the lounge, they’ve moved the dining table into the bedroom. It’s not a very large table so when all the computers are placed on it, one has to jut out over the edge just to fit all five. Nino solves the problem by moving his to the floor. He retreats into the corner, plugs in his earphones and starts editing the BABAND vs. Akatsuki Old Maid video.

It doesn't take long before Sho is bleating for coffee and Jun takes it upon himself to brew some because, as it turns out, Jun is some award-winning barista.

Realising this is a good chance to catch Jun alone, Nino follows him out the door and into the kitchen.

“Oh, good. You can help.” Jun grins, and slides the kettle to Nino before opening a bag of coffee filters.

“I’m not here to help,” Nino grumbles, but fills the kettle anyway. “I’m here to talk.”

“Oh?” Jun says, and the look he’s giving Nino is tender and impish and knowing, all at the same time, and Nino realises _Jun knows_.

Nino knows he couldn’t have heard it from Ohno and Aiba because they would never tell; Jun must have figured it out himself.

“So you know I’m into guys?” Nino blurts, and there’s a bit of a laugh in his voice. It’s not a nervous one; he’s relieved, more than anything, and he also feels kind of dumb because duh, if anyone in the group was going to actually have a fully-functioning gaydar it had to be Jun. He’s the most sensitive and perceptive of them all, and loves the team the hardest.

“I sorta guessed, and you just confirmed it.” Jun takes the kettle from Nino and places it on the stovetop, hits the ignition button.

“How?” Nino is genuinely curious.

“I don’t know,” Jun admits. “Maybe because I’ve met a lot of people, travelled a lot. I have — and I don’t mean to brag — a ton of friends. A lot of them also happen to not be straight. Not that there’s a certain mould for heterosexuals and non-heterosexuals, of course, but you’re asking how, and that’s the best answer I can give you.”

Jun might be the coolest person Nino’s ever met.

“Thanks, though. For telling me. It must be tiring to have to keep doing it.” Jun’s expression is so, so soft, and Nino is so touched, he has no words.

Jun continues:

“You’ve become someone I treasure a lot, and I think we’re both in this idol thing for the long haul, so… Please take care of me from now on, Nino.”

“Oh, fuck,” Nino says, his voice thick. “Something’s in my eye…”

Jun just laughs and pulls Nino into a hug.

***

Nino is waiting for Sho to arrive. The past couple of weeks have been weird — finding out Sho is some kind of undercover reporter, coming to terms with Sho’s semi-betrayal, realising that he doesn’t really blame him, asking the management to keep Sho.

If he’s having a weird time, he can’t imagine how it’s like for Sho.

Nino sighs. Perhaps Sho’s omission of the truth had been the thing that held Nino back from coming out to him. Perhaps Nino’s subconscious was a lot more perceptive than he gave it credit for.

The doorbell rings, and Nino peers through the peephole. It’s Sho, and Nino experiences a rush of feeling. They haven’t seen each other in five days. God, it’s just been five days and he’s already missing the guy? Nino rolls his eyes at himself.

He twists the lock, swings the door open.

“Hey,” Nino greets. “Welcome.”

Sho stares at Nino, takes in the tank top and the baggy shorts. “ _Ossan_ ,” he pronounces.

“ _Ossan_ yourself.”

Sho checks his watch. “You haven’t even shaved,” says Sho matter-of-factly.

“Oh, but I brushed my teeth,” says Nino, actually feeling proud.

Sho laughs. He toes off his sandals and pats Nino’s arm as he enters the apartment. “Nice to see you again, Nino.”

“Same,” answers Nino, meaning it.

He almost bumps into Sho’s back as Sho stops short upon seeing his living space.

“This is a fucking labyrinth,” Sho says in a hushed whisper. “How many games do you have?”

“I don’t know. Haven’t counted.”

“Hundreds, I reckon.”

“Maybe. There’s more in the closet.”

“You have two TVs!”

“Yeah. One’s for games, the other’s for, well, TV.”

Nino has kept his apartment clean, and it’s quite tidy despite his penchant for devoting every waking hour of every day off to playing games. He’s not a total slob. Sho comments on this, and Nino is pleased.

They chat, mostly, through sips of barley tea and Sho’s note-taking, because this is still an interview, and Nino is here to offer Sho information. That’s the primary goal for today.

But they also talk about all sorts of things besides Akatsuki, about games, music, books. Sho is genuinely interested in getting to know Nino as a person, and Nino realises this is the first time they’ve ever had an uninterrupted conversation about the most mundane things about themselves.

None of it is boring.

Nino knows that the topic of Sho’s possible departure from Akatsuki is something they’ve all silently agreed to not bring up, but the need to talk about it is suffocating Nino, and he seizes the chance when the conversation strays to Nino and roommates, and whether Nino would be open to the idea of sharing an apartment with any of them. Nino says he isn’t entirely opposed to the idea as long as they just stay a night or two.

“I’d like that. It’d be like boot camp all over again,” Sho says, nostalgia written on his face even though it ended merely less than a week before.

Nino summons all the courage he has and says:

“Just stay with us, Sho-chan.”

If Nino thought he knew all about nervousness (since pre-coming out jitters were one of the worst in his book), he’d thought wrong, because this is on a whole new scale. It’s like all the wind has been knocked out of his lungs; he’s aware of his heart slamming against his ribcage but he barely feels it because the echo of his words boom in his head, drowning out the sound of his pulse.

Sho has gone very still. He puts down his pencil, worries his lip.

Nino is pretty sure none of the other members have been so upfront with Sho. Great. He’s going to be the one who upsets the balance. Fuck.

“I want to,” Sho says, and Nino is hopeful. “But I also want to write.”

“Isn’t there a way you can have both?” Nino persists.

“I don’t know,” says Sho helplessly. “The higher-ups say I’ve got to pick one.”

 _Pick us_ , a voice in Nino’s head screams, but he realises how needy it sounds and quells it. It’s too selfish, Nino knows, to want Sho all to himself.

Whoa, what? _Themselves_ , Nino corrects, shaking his head.

Nino realises Sho is staring at him from across the coffee table. He stares back.

Sho blinks.

“You lose,” Nino says abruptly.

“Huh?”

“You blinked. So you lose. Haven’t you been in a staring contest before?”

There is a beat, and Sho just crumples on the table in defeat, his shoulders shaking in mirth.

“You always do this to me, Nino,” Sho groans. “Thanks for the laugh, though. I needed it.”

Nino chuckles, and puts his weight on the table as well so their faces are mere inches apart.

“So… You know how we keep things from each other?” Nino starts, thinking how brilliant this opening is.

Sho pretends to glare. “Nino…” His voice is low and cautionary, but he’s starting to grin.

“There’s something I’ve been keeping from you as well,” says Nino, and this is it, he’s going to tell Sho.

Sho raises his eyebrows.

“It’s weird timing, so forgive me, but the others have known for weeks, and I never got around to telling you…” Nino cants his head, and his cheek presses against Sho’s outstretched arm.

“I’m gay, Sho-chan.”

Sho’s expression goes blank, and suddenly Nino is afraid.

Sho retracts from the table, and Nino pulls back as well, then Sho is acting funny, because he actually removes the table from between them and inches closer to Nino across the rug.

“I thought _Satoshi-kun_ was gay!” comes Sho’s whispered reply, and he looks completely floored and so enlightened that Nino just covers his face and laughs until his abs ache.

When his laughter subsides he looks up to see Sho peering at him intently.

“So you’re into guys,” Sho confirms.

“That’s what ‘gay’ means, I think, yes.”

“Wait, is Satoshi-kun _also_ gay, then?!”

“Dude. No.”

“So Ohmiya isn’t pseudo-real?”

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“Like, _possibly_ real, but pretending not to be real by appearing too real.”

“…What.”

“You guys sleep in each other’s futons!”

“I guess we’re special, but not that sort of special. Besides, d’you think a pseudo-real couple would parade their affection in front of all their friends? That'd just make them... _real_.”

“You have a point.” Sho has an odd look on his face. He takes a deep breath.

“Thing is, Nino — I’m not that straight myself.”

There is a pause before Nino explodes in a long, drawn out:

“Ehhh?!”

Sho turns a bright shade of red, and fidgets. “I think I might, uh, swing both ways? First time I’m telling anyone this, by the way.”

Nino repeats the noise.

In the ensuing silence, Sho looks at Nino expectantly, appealing to him to diffuse the situation like how he did earlier.

Nino shakes his head and frowns. “You know what? I’m supposed to be the one coming out to you! _You're stealing my thunder._ ”

Sho gives Nino a look of mock disgust, but it's disrupted by the smile that flickers onto his face. “That’s not fair. You told the others first, didn’t you?”

Sho pokes Nino’s side, and Nino tries to look angry and not giggle.

“You kept me out of the loop. Why didn’t you tell me?” asks Sho with every jab.

_Because I kinda have a crush on you?_

“Because the other guys are as straight as pins,” fibs Nino poorly, his cognitive abilities hampered by Sho’s tickling. He has no idea why he said that and immediately regrets it.

“Really? Aiba-kun and Satoshi-kun? Straight as pins?” Sho draws back, folds his arms.

“You see,” Nino comes up with a story despite being breathless, “when you tell straight people, you don’t run the risk of getting hurt, because they don’t fall in love with you, so you have one less thing to worry about.”

Sho tries to compute. “But judging from your earlier response I'm pretty sure you thought _I_ was straight, so you are making zero sense. And even if they don’t fall in love with you, you might fall in love with them, and we all know that’s more painful.”

That’s it. Sho has Nino cornered.

“Okay, fine. I can’t pinpoint the exact reason, but maybe I picked up on you not being completely open about your previous job — I mean, your current job — and I just wasn't able to trust you completely.”

Sho's eyes are downcast, and Nino reaches out to place his hand on his knee.

“Look, I’m just being honest. I’ve told you already — you didn’t lie to our faces, and that’s admirable.”

He pauses.

“There’s one other thing.” Nino sucks air through his teeth. “When I first saw you I thought, ‘Fuck, this guy is hot,’” Nino pauses to laugh, “and I’ve had a crush on you ever since. It's hard to just march up to the guy you sort of like and come out, you know? Anyway. It’s not like I'm telling you this because I'm hoping to, you know, pursue romance. Even though I now know you're into guys as well. You’re my bandmate, Sho-chan, and honestly, it’s just going to be messy if anyone in the group is more than friends.”

Nino puts on his bravest smile.

Sho’s eyebrows furrow. He blinks several times. Then, he says hesitantly:

“You remember the day we played the piano together?”

Nino wonders if Sho is purposely trying to digress. “Of course. It’s kinda hard to forget. I still watch it on Twitter sometimes.”

“Me too.” Sho’s smile is sheepish. “That day, I said something about not wanting to break up Ohmiya, didn’t I?”

Nino scrunches up his face to remember. “Oh, yeah, I think you did.”

“I was lying,” Sho says simply, and he waits.

Nino blinks.

“Are you saying you wanted to break up Leader and I…?” Nino hazards.

Sho nods.

“Because…?”

Sho shifts his eyes away from Nino’s face.

Nino’s jaw drops.

“It was the damn duet,” Sho mutters. “I promise, up till then I shipped you two.”

Nino just doubles over, laughing. “Okay.” He pats Sho’s thigh. “Now that we’ve established that we both have schoolboy crushes on each other, can we end this interview? I’m starving, and you need to get cracking on that article.”

Sho nods. He unfolds his legs from under him, making a move to get up, but instead of standing he crouches forward and catches Nino’s lips in his.

For a long second Nino freezes. It’s never crossed his mind that Sho would be someone who would come on to someone else like this. Sho is the guy who can’t decide whether to be an idol or a journalist. He’s the guy who keeps secrets from his bandmates. The guy with a really shit gaydar.

But maybe Nino doesn’t know the real Sho. It’s a tantalising thought.

Nino kisses back.

When they break apart, Sho confesses:

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.”

Nino grins, brushes his thumb against the swell of Sho's lower lip. “Did we just have a moment?” he teases.

“Yeah, a moment the others must not know about. Yet.” Sho is looking very solemn as he says this.

Nino pretends to look offended. “Why? It was just a kiss.”

Sho is about to reply, but Nino shakes his head.

“Kidding,” says Nino, his voice soft now. “I know.”

They leave the rest unsaid: if they pursue this and it fails, or if they leave it alone and it festers…

“You know what you said about it being messy if we’re both in the group? If I leave I can — we could —” starts Sho meekly, but Nino pinches his lips shut.

“No,” says Nino firmly. He’d rather experience awkward, unresolved sexual tension than to have Sho leave them. “We'll figure it out. Somehow. One step at a time, Sho-chan. Let's get your feelings about the group sorted, then we can think about whatever the fuck that kiss was, and whether there’s more where it came from.”

Sho smiles. He pries Nino’s fingers off his lips and holds his hand.

“Okay,” he says.

Nino lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. “Okay,” repeats Nino, nodding.

“And Nino?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for brushing your teeth.”

  
***

It’s their first date, kind of, if dates involve five people.

It was Sho’s idea (Sho is full of ideas) and Nino sees the sense in it all (Sho is full of sense — most of the time) because they are pretty much all in love with each other. All five of them. Platonically, at the very least.

Fine. So it’s more of a party than a date.

Sho has just come back from Rio, and they’re having an Akatsuki sans staff celebration for their first major TV appearance on Music Station.

They get ushered, hush-hush because they’re recognisable now, to a private room at an _izakaya_ , and Nino makes sure he sits directly opposite Sho.

“What do you think,” Sho asks the others later, before they get too wasted, “if, and this is an _if_ , two of the members of Akatsuki start dating?”

Aiba chokes on his beer. It turns out he’s laughing.

“But Sho-chan, they already are!” Aiba jokes, gesturing to Nino and Ohno.

“Okay,” Sho sounds measured, “that’s a start. What if Satoshi-kun and Nino are dating?”

Ohno is bemused. “But we’re not—”

“Just _assuming_ ,” Sho stresses.

“I’d be worried,” Jun admits. “What if they break up? What would happen to the group?”

“It worked out for The White Stripes,” Sho points out.

“They were just two people,” Jun argues. “They weren’t in a band together with other people.”

Aiba hums and says:

“I think as long as the couple can keep things professional, it’s fine.”

“Yeah,” Ohno agrees. “I think so too.”

Nino and Sho quickly exchange looks, victory sparking in their eyes, and Nino has no doubt Jun, with his supreme powers of perception, has picked up on it. It’s a small room; they can’t escape the Matsujun.

Sure enough, when Nino looks to Jun, he is staring open-mouthed at Sho. Nino smirks at this. Sho didn’t record on Jun’s fully-functioning gaydar, it seems. Then again, Sho’s bi, so maybe Jun needs a system update.

Recovering, Jun says:

“I think if there’s harmony between what’s best for the group and what’s best for the couple, it’s not a bad thing. It’s not like the group is bound for doom once any of the members get together. Some couples work very well with each other.”

Jun carefully avoids looking at Nino or Sho. Nino knows Jun is protective, doesn't want to draw attention to the two of them. God, he loves Jun so much.

Aiba nods. “What do you think, Nino? You’ve been awfully quiet.”

Nino simpers. “I think you guys are awesome. Thank you.”

Finding his response strange, Ohno swivels his head to look at Nino.

“This isn’t about us, right?” he asks, alarmed. “You know I’m straight, don’t you? If I’ve been leading you on, I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Leader. Relax.” Nino laughs, patting Ohno’s arm. “This is about me and Sho-chan.”

A beat.

Ohno’s eyes turn wide and dart back and forth between Sho and Nino. Aiba drops his chopsticks and they clang against his plate.

Sho manages a weak smile. “Just wanted to check if you guys were cool with it.”

“You guys are together?” Aiba sputters.

“Not yet,” says Nino, “but we plan to be.” He’s feeling quite brave tonight. It’s an amazing sensation.

“Wow,” says Ohno. “I did _not_ see that coming.” He looks at Sho. “Does this mean Nino is off limits now?”

Jun sighs and shakes his head before hitting the intercom to order a straight whisky.

“You’ll have to ask Nino,” Sho answers, much to Nino’s delight. Sho wasn’t treating him as an object. Yay.

“We’ll play it by ear,” Nino suggests, giving them both a warm smile.

Then they hear sobbing, and they all turn to Aiba.

“Sorry, it’s just — I’m so happy, but I’m so worried, but more happy. For you guys, for us, for Sho-chan being here… Just don’t screw things up, okay?”

“Aiba-san, you’re drunk,” Nino says helpfully.

“I’m serious!” Aiba says, his voice shriller than before. (Definitely drunk.) “If you have any problems, work it out. If you can’t work it out, stay friends. Be the best people you can be. To each other, to the group. Okay?”

Jun smiles as he rubs Aiba’s back. He looks at Sho and Nino, tilting his head towards Aiba. “What he said.”

Ohno nods. “No matter what, let’s stick together. The five of us.”

  
***

The end credits roll, and Sho actually tears up.

“That was a great game,” he says thickly. “I never thought I’d be able to make it through when you told me it was going to take 35 hours, but seriously, Intrepid Dragon Hunters. Wow. I’m glad we finally got around to playing it.”

Nino grins. “Way to spend your time off, huh?”

“Yeah. It’s been a great couple of days, though I think I’d still like to do something outdoors next time. Don’t worry, I’ll go with someone else. You can stay home and play Star Ocean 5. Again.”

Sho yawns, stretches, and rubs his eyes. Nino finds this very endearing. He finds everything about Sho endearing. It’s impossible, but then again, it’s Sho.

They’re way past the stage of ‘crush’ now. There’s a lot they discover about each other that’s not privy to the other three, and that’s good for Nino. He enjoys seeing Sho interact with people while knowing there’s a Sho reserved just for himself.

They rarely fight, and when they do, they’re quick to admit their mistakes and say sorry. It’s what they do at work, it’s what they do at home. Nino now knows this is the real Sho: decisive, frank, earnest and introspective (but probably still possessing shit gaydar).

Nino knows they’re good for each other. He knows it by the way Sho looks at him, mostly when he thinks Nino isn’t looking. No, Sho doesn’t really look; he _admires_ Nino. Sometimes Nino asks him to stop, just to tease him, but Sho would then do a variation of Jun’s face squish, squeezing Nino’s cheeks and pressing their noses together, staring at Nino until he gets cross-eyed. He usually doesn’t back off until Nino kisses him.

They can be such saps, but Nino enjoys being cherished.

Sho smiles when he sees Nino looking at him. “You know something?”

Nino deadpans. “Oh, Sho-chan. I know so many things.”

Sho laughs and looks down at the rug, where Nino’s hand is resting. He touches their fingertips together.

“I’m just really glad I met you.”

Nino takes Sho’s arms, winds them around his waist.

“Me too,” says Nino quietly, angling his mouth up to Sho’s ear. “Thank you for being an idol.”

He wraps his arms around Sho and buries his face into the crook of Sho’s neck, making Sho laugh as his stubble tickles his skin. They stay like this for a long while, and Nino has never been happier.

**Author's Note:**

> I have to confess: anything that was written after the first instalment, _Curating Us_ , is an imagination of it. This means I'm basing all the character pieces on _Curating Us_ , and all of them are mini AUs of that first fic. I'm trying to keep the continuity and characterisation intact, and I apologise in advance for any discrepancies! (If you spot any plotholes, please let me know.)
> 
> There will be a piece for every member. I'm busy with another fic in the Stranger Things fandom, but the Sho part is already written, so I'm considering whether to post it next, or to post it after Aiba-chan's and Jun's as I'd originally planned. Do let me think about it.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day.


End file.
